I feel like the past few weeks have been kinda hectic. We are doing great, don't get me wrong. But everything has seemed so busy. I feel like the stress of being back to work and the busyness of work around the holidays has got a little bit of a grip on me. In that I feel like maybe I'm a little grouchy or 'debbie downer' sometimes. Maybe its just my perfectionist tendencies rubbing me the wrong way. My need to be 'in control'. My need to have everything a 'certain way'. A level of expectation I put onto myself. That at this time I just can't meet that expectation. And that is ok. We are in the midst of learning how to take care of two kids and its wonderful and we are so blessed. I should be nothing but happy and grateful. But I catch myself at times feeling like I'm drowning. I'm not, but in my mind I am. Its hard being back to work. Its hard nursing and pumping and keeping up with chores. The extra laundry, the extra load of cloth diapers. And its hard coming home and not being tired but giving your kids the love and attention that they deserve, that you want to give them. But I'm not perfect. My house can't be perfect all of the time. My mood can't be perfect all of the time. I can't expect Cooper or Gwen to always do exactly what I think they might do. Whether that be naps or bedtime or whatever. I can only do, what I can do. I feel like God has been telling me that I need to stop trying to be in control and do things myself. I need a little shift in perspective. I need to stop rushing around. I just need to do what I can. I need to come home and hold my new baby and cuddle with my son. And talk to my husband. The dishes, the laundry, they are ok. And they will get done.
I think my first weeks back to work I was still on a 'high' of just having a new baby. Life was good. It is good. It never stopped being good. I just think my perspective was getting a little foggy. I want to start giving things to God, because this little 'busy' phase. Of having an almost, sorta still 'newbie' and my sweet little energetic 3.5 yr old. This time will soon be gone. And though it may seem chaotic at times, I want to just enjoy it. I want to see the good, let the bad or craziness just go.
I don't write journal-like entries on here real often. But this is kinda my journal. I want to remember 'this time'. And I want to start taking a little more time to just sit down.. and just slow it down. Like the quote I heard at church a long time ago and I always think of it when I start to to feel myself saying "I'm too busy", too busy to pray enough or take time to just 'be'. Well busy in that instance stands for 'being under Satan's yolk'. He loves us to be discouraged or feeling defeated. He wants us distracted from seeing how good things really are. Well he won't be distracting me anymore. I'm good, I'm back. I ready to keep plugging along. I'm excited to prepare for the holidays. I'm really excited to have a 'date night' this weekend as we attend a wedding of a long-time friend from college. I'm excited to take a few days off around Thanksgiving. I'm excited to get ready for the magic of Christmas and to enjoy sharing that with my kids.
I'm good, I'm ready to carry on.
And hopefully that means you might see some much 'overdue' fun blog entries on here soon.
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